Wednesday, November 08, 2006

Bed Rest Day 41 - Mine Doesn't Stretch Like That!

So, I must discuss this video that Corey & I got to watch at our first Lamaze class last week. It was titled: The Stages of Labor. It basically went through the various stages of labor & described exactly what you might experience, yadda, yadda, yadda.
I don't really remember that much of the video because it was so damned graphic!
First of all - almost every woman on the video delivered in the nude. Yup - nekkid as a jay bird.
Here I'm thinking: when I'm in labor, with my hoo-ha up in the air for all to see, the last thing I want is my boobies hanging out, too. If you've ever watched a show on childbirth you see the amount of people that are running in and out of your labor room. I told Corey, I'm just going to cut the seam in the crotch of my jeans and deliver through that - fully clothed! Ha!
So, now we're watching this video - naked women, screaming in pain with their hoo-ha's exposed - and then it happens. One of these lovely women begin to crown. Does the camera-man pan out? No...he zooms in...on her hoo-ha. So, now the television screen is full of hoo-ha and there is something black coming out of it. I've seen childbirth before - just never so graphically.
My thought: Mine doesn't stretch like that!
So, as this head is ripping this poor woman from asshole to appetite the doctor says to her: "Your baby is coming! Reach down and feel the head! Its right there! Reach down & feel the baby!!"
I have found this to be a popular practice today. thanks. There is a 7 or 8-lb monster (at the time) ripping its way through my vagina - I DON'T WANT TO FEEL IT. GET IT OUT.
Then there are the ones where the doctor allows the mother to actually deliver the baby. No thanks - that's what my health insurance is paying you for.
I've also noticed the 'mirror.' The 'mirror' is just that - a mirror that they pull down so you can watch yourself give birth. I've given Corey explicit instructions: if they pull down the mirror when I'm in labor - tell them to put it right back up. I cringed at this stranger's hoo-ha being stretched beyond limits on TV, what makes you think I want to see mine do that? I already told you - mine doesn't do that.
So, baby pops out after much pushing & screaming and the screaming, slimy newborn is practically thrown onto mom's belly.
Am I ready for this miracle of birth? Yes. I am quite ready & quite excited. Watching this video just made me long for the day when they'd knock you out and when you woke there was a nice clean, quiet baby laying in a bassinet next to you.
Let me live in the little world I've created where the stork is going to come & deliver my little angel. Let me think that for now.
Can I arrange that as part of my birthing plan?

1 comment:

Bethany said...

Ew. That's all I'm going to say.

I own the VHS tape of The Miracle of Child Birth (I had trouble with child birth when I was getting certified as an EMT - it was a study aid.) Ew. Ew. Ew. LOL.